This year has gone by SO SO SO fast. I can’t even believe it…
I’ve been through and put myself through a lot this year. Good grief! Speaking of grief… this year marked 1 year since my dad passed away. Hardest year but I’m pretty sure this second year is even harder. There’s just something about it being farther and farther away from the day that makes it harder to deal with. I have missed my dad so so badly this year. It has been really difficult to deal with.
I felt very lonely, isolated and forgotten about by many friends. There have been many things this year that I chose to miss out on because the grief was so consuming; I was too embarrassed to admit that. Instead, I just covered it up with anxiety. I’m not proud of it, and I regret every single thing I’ve missed this year involving friends. I felt like I lost a lot of friends, or that most of my friends started to distance themselves from me. I don’t blame them… I missed out on so many important things but I have to realize that I am still grieving. I’m still in denial. No matter how badly I want the excuse to be anxiety driven (seems much easier), it’s just not.
I felt like my life and marriage were crumbling to pieces. I was falling and nobody could catch me or help me back up. I was so unsure about my future and I wasn’t making progress anywhere in my life. My heart has been hurting for a long time. I found myself on many different medications just to get through the night and morning and day and night and morning and day. It felt like it was getting worse and worse. And I let it. I let my life crumble. I let myself lose control of my mental illness. I let the grief take over.
Then I met my therapist. Then I met my APRN. Then I got a new job. We got a new career/life opportunity. I met someone who changed my life (and a bit of my health). Things started to turn around. I found myself choosing to be happier each day, despite the depression deep inside just begging to bring me down. I found myself feeling more grateful for what I have each day, and who is with me each day. I found myself wanting to smile and be happy.
I’m sad that grieving is so controlling. I’m really sad that I let surface issues become the excuse to the deep grieving struggle I was experiencing. I’m really sad that I struggled for so long this year, because I didn’t have to. The light at the end of the tunnel has looked so dim so many times in my life, yet it’s always there, still shining. I found myself letting my own thoughts of what others thought of me, make me feel good about myself or not. Until I decided whose opinion(s) mattered most to me, and then it went away.
I worry constantly everyday…. am I posting too much Mormon stuff? Do my friends even pay attention to me? Why do I care about having “friends” so much? Is my family tired of me posting about my dad? Are neighbors, ward members, co-workers uncomfortable around me because they know about my mental illnesses? Are people tired of hearing from me? What if I just disappeared? What if I just got off of social media and never posted ever again? Would anyone care or notice?
But I’m here to say that I’m sorry I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry that I post about my faith. If you don’t like it, please unfriend me, unfollow me, block me or whatever you have to do… stop talking to me, delete my phone number. It’s a HUGE part of who I am and if you can’t love all of me, I don’t need you in my life. I’m sure you’d feel the same if you were in my shoes. I’m not sorry that I care so much about friendships and that each friend means the world to me. I love having friends, and I love being surrounded by friends. Sure, marriage changes life for a lot of people, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have friends. I’m not sorry that I love with my whole heart and then some. I’m not sorry that I post about my depression and anxiety. If it makes you uncomfortable, GOOD. That means you need to learn more or be more open to becoming comfortable with the illness(es). I’m not sorry that I’m grieving really bad. I’m not sorry that I say “I miss my dad” what feels like a billion times a day.
I’m not sorry to be who I really am. I’m not sorry to say what I really want to say. I’m not sorry. Feeling sorry gets me nowhere. I don’t have time for that anymore. I only have time for what matters most, who matters most and myself. That includes my husband, our future, my family and God. Always includes God. I love that the gospel brings me so much peace. And no, that doesn’t make me “holier than thou.” It’s what I love and that’s OKAY. I love my husband and the friendship we have is getting stronger every day. I’m excited for our future and I wish I had more people to share that with. But I’m going to love what I do have and let that be my life….. love. Love will be my life.